Pigskin in the Islamic Republic
Recently, much speculation has been devoted to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s cryptic statement that he will answer all questions about Iran’s nuclear program by August 22. Many observers, including historian Bernard Lewis, have identified that August 22 corresponds to an Islamic holiday with apocalyptic overtones. Also consider that Ahmadinejad is — to put it charitably — a total nutcase, often prone to wacky antics like denying the Holocaust; claiming that he is an Islamic messiah, calling for the destruction of the United States; and claiming that an oil-exporting, terrorist-sponsoring state needs nuclear technology strictly for peaceful purposes, such as powering the generators that broadcast Persian Idol. Given the current state of affairs, Ahmadinejad’s claim appears ominous at best.
We can now reveal the truth in an illegalprocedure.com Exclusive Report; it is even more terrifying than you could imagine. Ahmadinejad is timing his announcement for an even more sinister holiday. This holiday corresponds to decreased productivity in the Western world, major economic impact, and increased network “chatter.”
The president of the Islamic Republic is waiting for Maddenoliday to announce his terrible plan. “Maddenoliday,” which falls on August 22 this year, is the name given by the EA Sports to the release date of their annual update to the Madden NFL video-game series. We hear that he expects to coordinate the announcement with synchronized simulated attacks on Foxboro, Denver, and Pittsburgh, which he has dubbed “a little Satan.”
In addition, illegalprocedure.com’s Covert Persian Correspondent has discovered that Ahmadinejad has been “nearly incontinent with excitement” over this year’s token gameplay addition: several “tweaks” to the running game. If our sources are correct, Ahmadinejad has not been so elated since Madden NFL 2005 introduced the “Hit Stick,” a game feature enabling defensive players to risk missing a tackle by attempting to force a fumble. (Last year’s innovations, including the “Truck Stick” and the precision passing system, were less well-received.) Reports from Tehran are that the president’s love for current cover athlete Shaun Alexander even outstrips his fury at the EA Sports “infidels” and the minimal nature of the annual incremental updates to the famous sports franchise.