Illegal Procedure

Todd Haley has to deal with a rat in the locker room (hint: this rat is also known as “The Player”), but Todd Haley’s Wife and Mistresslive-in au pair have to deal with RAT SALAD.

In other Cowboys news, apparently Tony Romo gets the start again. I’ve figured out why, after seeing the same highlights of him on ESPN approximately 47,608 times: he’s clearly a much better tackler than Drew Bledsoe. He could probably take down most cornerbacks and safeties without too much trouble, and I bet that he’d have a fair shot against at least some linebackers.

After suffering a concussion and being knocked out cold last Sunday, Ben Raeiouthlisberger had an MRI of his head, which found nothing.  No wonder he doesn’t wear a motorcycle helmet.

Man, it takes a special kind of player to push off on a cornerback who has a 6“ height deficit, get beaten to the ball anyway, and still fail to prevent the back from creating a turnover.

UPDATE: Parcells isn’t doing much to assuage his starting quarterback’s romophobia. UPDATE²: And Romo isn’t doing much to right the ship. Holy crap.

Why it’s The Caffeinated One choking on Tiki Barber’s enormous manhood. Wait, you say, how is there room in there with Farv plugging up TCO’s latte hole? Farv must be tagging him in the boo this week.

So, apparently, some nutjobs have threatened to execute simultaneous attacks on seven different NFL stadiums this weekend. Let’s leave aside the question of how it would be possible for these putative terrorists to guarantee simultaneous attacks (after all, some of the venues are hosting early games and some are hosting late games). The real issue is that these people clearly don’t understand how America works. Specifically: what of the vast preponderance of Americans who will be forced by the NFL’s broadcast policy to watch uncompelling, dirty-bomb-free matchups?

I know the Arizona Cardinals were very nervous about next week’s showdown with Oakland, but it was rather foolish of them to look past Chicago.

Which one of these douchebags who has slept with Paris Hilton will have a better game? When you think about it, for epidemiological purposes, Urlacher and Leinart have already enjoyed some hot, sweaty man-love. Here’s hoping they wait until Matty is no longer “wired for sound” to explore this connection in person.

It’s hard to say which is worse: Urlacher, who left his wife and young daughter to bang this vapid, horse-faced prostitute, or Leinart, who got a big payday and then abandoned his pregnant girlfriend to plant his rod in an equine snatch. Leinart is perhaps worse, as he chose to cruise down a superhighway that had already been paved by Brian Urlacher. Yuck.

UPDATE: damn, I must not be funny. PFT had the same idea.

I know my first post was to be a more sedate review of Invicible, but this made me laugh much too hard to not post:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-CvKD8Wzm1I

Way to clean up the ol’ image, Miami. Perhaps the NFL morons on ESPN will have to end their slobbery chants of “The U!” while ignoring that the on-set representative ran over students’ feet with his car. Not that any other “graduates” of Miami have been anything less than upstanding.

By the way, my two favorite moments are when the crowd of Miami players surround and stomp on the FIU guy, as well as the belly-to-back suplex in the middle of the crowd. Nice tackle.

It might just be the sleep deprivation, but I could have sworn that Fred Smoot just won the Nobel Prize. I guess if you spend enough time investigating massive gang-bangs, eventually The Man will take notice. Congrats, Fred, and here’s hoping your prize doesn’t see you benched on the first series of Sunday’s game.

Technorati Tags: smoot, puppy, vikings

Looks like the McCarthy-era blacklists have claimed a victim. In fact, the Packers‘ official web site has gone all Nikolai Yezhov on #28: visiting http://www.packers.com/team/players/carroll_ahmad/ doesn’t even 404 — it just redirects you to the active roster, which has no trace of Ahmad Carroll.

I agree with this decision, since Comrade Carroll couldn’t cover rock if you gave him paper. However, it should be a little worrisome that they made the decision right after a reporter asked why Carroll was still getting burned for the green-and-gold. What, are they managed by popular opinion or something? Here’s a tip, Packer fans: encourage your favorite drunken, obese, snowmobile-riding journalists to ask how Ted Thompson manages to hold his job.