Illegal Procedure

I picked all home teams, except:

Chicago over Minnesota. It hurts for me to pick this way. There is currently no evidence to support the pants-creaming of the current Chicago bandwagon (they might be good, but their two wins — over teams that wouldn’t be competitive in the Big Ten — doesn’t demonstrate that). Personally, I currently doubt that the Bears are as good as everyone thinks they are, but I think they’re probably going to pull off the win over a beat-up Vikings squad this week.

Green Bay over Detroit. Speaking of the Big Ten: after the near-certainty of Michigan dealing a vicious prison-raping to Wisconsin at the Big House, Green Bay will go to Fire Millen Field and avenge the Badger state. I think that the wheels are basically off of both teams, but Green Bay has at least made some things happen on offense this year. Now that I think about it, a Wolverines-Lions matchup might present a pretty good game.

Washington over Houston. Neither of these teams is as bad as it looks, but the ‘Skins are probably better. I suspect that they could restrict themselves to 20 pages of the playbook and still win, since David Carr will be picking turf out of his helmet all day and (Big Ten reference #3!) Ron Dayne is rumored to get the start for Houston. Hey, Ron, how about the success rates of Heisman Trophy winners in the NFL?

Baltimore over Cleveland. If Kellen Winslow II really were a soldier, he’d have been court-martialed for insubordination.

Philadelphia over San Francisco. I’d be worried about this game if I were Andy Reid — the 49ers have looked surprisingly like a rough approximation of a professional football team this year, and Westbrook is banged up. However, I still think Philly takes this one.

Atlanta over New Orleans. To add insult to injury, a statistically significant number of teenage girls in the Bayou will suddenly be needing to get Valtrex prescriptions filled in the coming weeks. If I were a visiting team, I’d stay out of the Superdome showers for a few weeks unless I was immediately preceded by a powerwasher and bleach.

Ron Jaworski, as far as I can tell, is trying to get a gig as a judge on some to-be-released Bravo reality show about aspiring candy designers. There is no other possible explanation for his ludicrous glasses. Furthermore, in a 2-hour span on Monday, he referred to both Trent Dilfer and Brad Johnson as “wily.” I must have missed the memo: when did “wily” start to mean “old, competent dude who has won at least one more Super Bowl than Peyton Manning?”

Michael Irvin is a disgrace to all other members of phylum Chordata. I don’t know why he slurs his speech so much when he launches on his unintelligible ramblings, but I suspect it has something to do with narcotics withdrawal or the side effects of a daily antiretroviral cocktail. Irvin is literally a tambourine and a thick slice of watermelon away from being a one-man minstrel show. There are two possible reasons why he is still employed: either Disney CEO Robert Iger is an incorrigible racist, or he is a goofy pervert who has a thing for watching Irvin continually give Eldorado the reacharound.

HDTV is cruel to most broadcasters. Steve Young looks like the reanimated corpse of Brigham Young without the 480i blur to smooth his zombie-like pallor. However, Suzy Kolber actually benefits from higher resolution: after seeing her in HDTV, I can tentatively claim that she actually has eyes, and not just strategically-applied patches of mascara as I had previously assumed.

Finally, Bill Maas has gotten a lot of justified criticism (see, e.g., this message board posting) for his commentary on this week’s Minnesota-Carolina game, including his insistence that the Metrodome crowd was asking for the refs to flag Fred Smoot for a late hit, his impromptu generation of a folksy ode to the name of DT Ross Kolodziej, and his insistence that it’s best to begin sudden-death overtime by giving your opponent the ball. It’s hard to use words like “nadir” when talking about a televised presentation that was clearly produced by the Apple Valley Junior High AV Club, but Mass was rather dismal. However, his primary fault as a broadcaster is not his less-than-clueful ramblings, but rather the foul, musty smell of his chin. That’s understandable, though, since it spends so much time adjacent to Julius Peppers‘ scrotum.

Tonight Joe Theismann said, of Vikings QB Brad Johnson, something to the effect of “He just doesn’t make mistakes. He hasn’t made a mistake all night. He doesn’t take stupid chances.” Joe may not have been paying attention, but fewer than five plays previous, Johnson had thrown into triple coverage while looking for Troy Williamson. (I think it was T-Will, but I didn’t TiVo the game.) Now, one can argue that it isn’t a mistake if the goofy triple-coverage lob isn’t picked off and/or housed, but we at IP.com refuse to take such a consequentialist stance. It was a mistake. Johnson doesn’t make many, but that was one.

In case anyone missed it, the Packers are so desperate that they picked up Koren Robinson.  You can check it out at here. 

Vikings fans may remember that current Jax cornerback Brian Williams was instrumental in bringing Koren Robinson to Minnesota. Williams, who was then with the Vikings and had been a teammate of Robinson’s in college, lobbied Mike “Cap’n Judgement” Tice to bring in the “troubled” receiver, arguing that Robinson had left his flammable-breathed demons behind.

Given that background, this story isn’t particularly surprising.

Each week that I feel like it, I’ll post my picks, along with optional snark. These are not “against the spread;” they are “who will win the game,” since — last I checked — you can’t make it to the playoffs by compiling a brilliant record against the spread. If you’re concerned about “spreads,” I suggest finding a better use of your spending money.

Miami at Pittsburgh

I picked Miami. Whoops. At least you know I’m honest. In my defense, I really didn’t expect “terrible, confused, crash-n-burn Daunte” to replace “übermensch, team leader, cool-as-Stuart-Scott-catchphrases-aren’t Daunte” until at least week 2 — at least, that’s how it went down last year.

NYJ at Tennessee

I picked Tennessee, but it doesn’t matter. I suspect both teams will be mathematically eliminated from the playoffs by the middle of the third quarter. Anyone who is still watching this game in the final 20 minutes should consider dialing 1-800-BETS-OFF. The real question is: what household product will the trainers be using to stabilize Pennington’s shoulder after the inevitable injury?

Philly at Houston

Philly.

Cincinnati at Kansas City

My gut says to go with the home team in these kind of cases, but KC may have trouble moving the ball with a patchwork line and a new coach and OC. I was going to go with KC even in light of these, but I just talked myself out of it. Cincy.

Denver at St. Louis

Denver, and this game will probably be over in less than 3.25 hours. (What’s that about the home team winning 60% of the time, again?)

Atlanta at Carolina

DeAngelo Hall, by virtue of his recent bulletin-board material, is liable to get “burned” by Smith or whatever scrub takes his place. Furthermore, I predict that the Panther front four will be all over the backfield like an “itchy, persistent rash.” Carolina, in an incurable, contagious victory.

Baltimore at Tampa Bay

Since this is a family website, I cannot divulge the vaguely-rhyming epithet I frequently used for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers when they were a thorn in my side in the NFC Central. However, I can tell you that it describes a rather uncomfortable and impolite act and is hilarious. In any case, Tampa takes this one.

Buffalo at New England

When we asked him about this game, Dick Jauron said “Please kill me. I really want a better job, like offensive coordinator at Boise State. Do you think 4 wins will get me there?” He’ll have to get those wins on a different day. New England.

New Orleans at Cleveland

This just in: Peter King has bought a total of 3,304 Saints season tickets. Unfortunately, adding scores of Starbucks devotees to the Superdome won’t help the Saints on the road. And not even King’s lamest prose could distract a “fscking soldier” like Kellen Winslow II. Cleveland FTW, providing a brief glimmer of hope to a fan base about to suffer from another relapse of Seasonal Affective Disorder. (However, also see important note on NYJ/TEN prediction, which is also applicable here.)

Seattle at Detroit

Oh, Detroit is totally going to win the NFC North. Then, they’re going to ride the Rod Marinelli bareback train of ‘discipline’ deep into the playoffs. I bet they’ll actually win the Super Bowl. However, there is no way in hell that they’re beating Seattle. (On a personal note, as a Vikings fan, I strongly encourage giving Millen a contract extension.)

San Francisco at Arizona

You know what they say about San Francisco: “It’s better to be a tight end than a wide receiver, especially since tight ends can block and keep the overpaid never-was quarterback from taking three dirtnaps on every sadly brief series.” Arizona, inexplicably one of the 32 “sleeper” teams advanced by idiot sportswriters again this year, wanted to play against SF to open their new stadium. This is like when my high school asked to play against the magnet school for Homecoming three years in a row. Apparently, playing against SF is sufficient insurance against the “new-stadium jinx.”

Chicago at Green Bay

Favre throws three touchdowns. Unfortunately, one is to Charles Tillman and one is to Nathan Vasher. Also: storied tradition, frozen tundra, playing in adversity, community-owned, empty streets that should be full of fat drunks, blah blah blah, etc. Chicago in a snoozer.

Dallas at Jacksonville

What’chu talking about, Dallas? Jax takes this one at home.

Indianapolis at NYG

This could go either way. I’m picking Indy, but with little confidence. And if your last name is “Manning,” stay out of the stands.

Minnesota at Washington

Homer special: After careful consideration, I pick Minnesota.

San Diego at Oakland

This is tough. Oakland looks like pickled ass, but I’ve eaten animals that could be at least as competent under center as Philip Rivers. I’m picking San Diego, but I think it will be close.

Mark Maske has an article assuring us that, yes, the Giants and Colts will pull no punches on Sunday night even though — and this is a closely guarded secret — their quarterbacks are actually brothers.

Said Giants linebacker LaVar Arrington: “If [Giants quarterback Eli Manning's] mom were out there in a uniform, I’d hit her and wouldn’t think anything about it.”

Of course, Arrington freelances so much that I wouldn’t be surprised to see him take out Olivia even if she remains in the stands. Hell, if I were Elisha Archibald III, I’d be showing up to my luxury box in pads and a helmet.