Illegal Procedure

We at IP.com aren’t living on a fascist, theocratic dictator’s salary, so we haven’t shelled out the bones for Madden 2007 yet. In the interim, we’ve kept ourselves entertained with this football game.

Fred Smoot just picked off Steve McNair and ran it back 69 yards for a touchdown. The joke just writes itself, doesn’t it?

Consider this the first installment of a new feature I call “Some things that I may or may not actually believe.” In this feature, we’ll talk about current games; discuss pressing issues like House, M.D., Coldplay, and Warren Sapp‘s awareness of the primary election process; and (most importantly) detail the shenanigans of our children and pets, our recent digestive system activity, and caffeinated beverages we’ve consumed recently.

Some things I may or may not actually believe: Indy-Seattle edition

1. I’ll go on the record now and state that I like Michaels-Madden far more than I’m generally willing to admit. Also, Bob Costas owns Joe Buck any day, even if Costas is the Patron Saint of Moronic Segues.
2. Marvin Harrison has still got it, even if he is getting old and remains kind of a weirdo in interviews. That one-handed grab with 3:26 remaining in the first quarter was just sick.
3. Ben Utecht sounds less like an NFL tight end and more like he should be a city in the Netherlands — perhaps one that once was central to the tulip trade and may have been conquered by the French at some point. Seriously, dude, you just can’t cough those up.
4. Peyton Manning still looks like he’s about to have an aneurysm whenever someone else screws up. Sometimes it’s hard to “try to be a good teammate.”
5. Speaking of which, why the hell do advertisements continue to exploit Manning’s nonexistent charisma? “DE-CAF!” and “Cut that meat!” are classics, because you can actually picture a Sasquatch like Manning doing that on his day off. However, the current DirecTV ad, which exists solely to point out how miserable the NFL’s TV policy is, is infuriating. That cell-phone ad with Manning wearing a Dirty Sanchez disguise and shilling for himself is even worse.
6. As paradoxical as it sounds, I believe that both Edgerrin James and Joseph Addai are going to have crappy years.
7. If I would have known that Nate Burleson would have been so awesome in the West Coast Offense, I would have driven to Winter Park, MN and ponied up the $49 million by myself so the Vikings could match Holmgren’s tit-for-tat poison pill offer.
8. Oh, I am totally kidding. I burned you, Nate Burleson! You are a terrible fit for the West Coast Offense! Taste the mega-burn! Oooh!
9. Seattle’s special teams don’t look too terrible, but Andrea Kremer does. She still looks like a Saturday Night Live parody of herself.
10. Indy fans who worry about the injury to Manning backup Jim Sorgi need only know that, when Sorgi was the quarterback at Wisconsin, the local media pined for the good ol’ days of Brooks Bollinger. Yes, that Brooks “Even though Pennington’s arm is held together with Scotch tape and balsa, he gets the start” Bollinger.
11. These are the non-football things that I may or may not actually believe:
    1. Colanerdness: Is it just me, or does Diet Coke with Splenda have even more of a pronounced vanilla flavor than regular Diet Coke? Kudos to Elaine at the Hy-Vee in Spirit Lake, IA, who sold me a spectacular 12-pack of Coke Zero last week.
    2. I dare you to watch the Wendy’s ad that refers to “burgivores” without hearing “burger whores.”
    3. Conan O’Brien just appeared in an ad in which he appealed to “football fans” to watch the Emmys “if you are comfortable with your sexuality.” Give me a break, Conan. Sure, the Emmys are lame and full of masturbatory celebrity worship, but it’s not like you’re hosting the fucking Tony awards.
    4. If you don’t watch this video, your favorite team will assuredly suffer some minor setbacks over the course of the season.

Recently, much speculation has been devoted to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s cryptic statement that he will answer all questions about Iran’s nuclear program by August 22. Many observers, including historian Bernard Lewis, have identified that August 22 corresponds to an Islamic holiday with apocalyptic overtones. Also consider that Ahmadinejad is — to put it charitably — a total nutcase, often prone to wacky antics like denying the Holocaust; claiming that he is an Islamic messiah, calling for the destruction of the United States; and claiming that an oil-exporting, terrorist-sponsoring state needs nuclear technology strictly for peaceful purposes, such as powering the generators that broadcast Persian Idol. Given the current state of affairs, Ahmadinejad’s claim appears ominous at best.

We can now reveal the truth in an illegalprocedure.com Exclusive Report; it is even more terrifying than you could imagine. Ahmadinejad is timing his announcement for an even more sinister holiday. This holiday corresponds to decreased productivity in the Western world, major economic impact, and increased network “chatter.”

The president of the Islamic Republic is waiting for Maddenoliday to announce his terrible plan. “Maddenoliday,” which falls on August 22 this year, is the name given by the EA Sports to the release date of their annual update to the Madden NFL video-game series. We hear that he expects to coordinate the announcement with synchronized simulated attacks on Foxboro, Denver, and Pittsburgh, which he has dubbed “a little Satan.”

In addition, illegalprocedure.com’s Covert Persian Correspondent has discovered that Ahmadinejad has been “nearly incontinent with excitement” over this year’s token gameplay addition: several “tweaks” to the running game. If our sources are correct, Ahmadinejad has not been so elated since Madden NFL 2005 introduced the “Hit Stick,” a game feature enabling defensive players to risk missing a tackle by attempting to force a fumble. (Last year’s innovations, including the “Truck Stick” and the precision passing system, were less well-received.) Reports from Tehran are that the president’s love for current cover athlete Shaun Alexander even outstrips his fury at the EA Sports “infidels” and the minimal nature of the annual incremental updates to the famous sports franchise.

Longtime readers know that this writer is a long-suffering Viking fan. Indeed, there may be no other kind.

I also have a terrible track record: as soon as I buy a jersey, the player is toast. As a child, my first Viking jersey was that of Herschel Walker. More recently, the very thought of purchasing a Randy Moss jersey for my dog resulted in his immediate trade for a rookie WR from a running conference and (I think) Jon Heder. I completed the trifecta by purchasing a Culpepper jersey in the 2004 offseason.

To be fair, Culpepper seemed like a safe choice at the time. He had a long-term contract, was the face of the franchise, was a high-performing player, and seemed like a decent human being. There was no indication that he would be caught receiving fellatio playing craps on a rented orgy boat; that his on-field performance would plummet, only to hit bottom when he suffered a terrible injury; and that he would later talk his way out of town, robbing my team of an elite quarterback and leaving them with a pick sometime in the 340th consecutive hour of Mel Kiper Hair Coverage (Glued Up by Elmer’s) on ESPN.

This offseason, I entertained the idea of getting a Tarkenton or (Cris) Carter throwback. I figured that neither was particularly likely to demand a trade any time soon or (absent an Orenthal-style ex-wife-slicing or Namath-style Kolber-groping) tarnish his legacy with some off-field stupidity. Furthermore, since I live in Wisconsin, I’ve gotten used to football fans who live in the past — why not join them? I didn’t buy a throwback, though. I thought: perhaps some current player in the undistinguished, star-free field of Vikings will distinguish himself and become strongly associated with the team!

One candidate was a young receiver who, like Cris Carter, presented a feel-good story of a talented young man haunted by demons and shamed in his first NFL city — only to seek and find redemption with the Vikings, picking up a hefty contract along the way. (Astute observers may see where this is going.) No, I didn’t buy a Koren Robinson jersey, but I have an idea for how I’d get one made:

Thanks to Minnesota Vikings coach Brad Childress for providing the most disgusting quote of this offseason. When asked whether or not Friday’s joint practice with the Chiefs would feature a scrimmage, Childress responded:

“There will not be a whole lot of live stuff. We just want their bodies to work against”

One wonders if “live stuff” involves Fred Smoot and a copy of last year’s unexpected PlayStation hit. However, we should caution the Vikings and the Chiefs not to cheapen their relationship with physical intimacy — even of the clothes-on variety — too soon. After all, true love waits.

According to Madison’s ESPN Radio affiliate, yesterday’s workouts at Packers training camp featured both familiar and unfamiliar sights. Fans of predictability in the universe will be glad to know that Brett Favre threw five interceptions in scrimmages. People who like to be shocked will reel at the news that it was the Green Bay defense that picked him off.

Last year, the Green Bay defense was tied with New Orleans (remember, the team that Peter King likes because he just found out about that little flooding episode?) for a conference-worst interception interception total. Indeed, last year they had only ten interceptions in all of the 2005 season. Of course, this number may be artificially low — after all, not that many teams needed to pass on the Packers, especially since Favre did such a good job of completing ducks to the opposing secondary. However, the prospect that such a dismal unit could haul in so many Favre turkeys means that it will be like Thanksgiving at Madden’s house when Green Bay faces any real defense.