Illegal Procedure

You may know hype-mongering Jeremy Shockey as an easygoing guy who can laugh when he drops sure first downs and has plenty of time to spend learning his lines for Timex ads, if not the Giants playbook. However, you may not know that he plans on continuing to spend his weekends snorting cocaine out of the gluteal cleavage of syphilitic strippers until the Giants win a championship. Giants coach Tom Coughlin, who Shockey called an “ass,” was unavailable for comment, but an IP.com researcher was able to reach Cowboys coach Bill Parcells, who had the following to say:

“Whatever. I’ll make him pay when we play them. The [slur].”

Since this is a family website, we can’t identify the precise slur Parcells used, just as most of the sports media had to dance around the delicate issue of precisely which three-letter slur Ozzie Guillen used to describe Jay Mariotti. However, we can say that the slur in question is one commonly used to describe male musical theater enthusiasts and does not rhyme with “bass pirate,” “crock bobbler,” or “Johnny Weir.” (It does, however, rhyme with the name of a guy who is going to be completing even fewer passes to a tight end than Eli Manning is this season.)