Illegal Procedure

With a delightfully catastrophic bitchslap, arbitrator Richard Bloch has basically told Terrell Owens: “enjoy the rest of the season from your driveway, jackass!” One wonders if TO will be able to unload his NFC Championship ring, jersey, jockstrap, and ankle screws for a cool $1.725 mil.

We at IP.com hate to resort to the video-game lingo, TO, but you just got “owned.” (Or should we say “owend?”) We must applaud your keen business acumen, though. Who would have thought that Rosenhaus could prove to be even less competent at managing the media than you are?

We at IP.com regard Mike Florio’s ProFootballTalk.com rumor mill as absolutely required reading. Florio has access to rumors without playing the tedious “I’m a league insider” card. Furthermore, his commentary is incisive, insightful, and frequently hilarious — especially when it’s directed at someone who is aping his material.

Case in point: PFT has long referred to Broncos coach Mike Shanahan as “Coach Teflon.” When lasagna-enhanced ESPN.com writer Jabba Pasquarelli started using the term as if he’d coined it, Florio struck back in such a way that made ESPN Radio’s Eric Kuselias question Pasquarelli about the matter, point-blank, on live radio.

The IP.com staff are sincerely hoping that there’s some of that left over for talk-radio jackass Colin Cowherd; here’s why. At 1:23 AM EST today, PFT had the following “one-liner:”

A cat fight could be breaking out between Steve Young and Phil Simms.

At 10:07 AM EST today, the first words from Cowherd’s mouth as he issued a typically unenticing teaser for his perennially forgettable radio show referred to a “catfight between two great quarterbacks.” Cowherd used the phrase at least twice during the first hour of the show, in fact. As of this writing, no other media coverage of the Steve Young/Phil Simms spat features the word “catfight” or phrase “cat fight”, as you can plainly see:

One wonders who is writing Cowherd’s notes — whether intentionally or otherwise.

As regards the Steve Young/Phil Simms tiff itself, it’s clearly a non-story. Young “clarified” his comments later, indicating that he feels that there is a generational difference in toughness, and that he doesn’t believe that Chris Simms was raised in a lily-livered house as Young claimed. Whatever. It’s orders of magnitude more sincere than the T.O. non-apology; whether it’s a plausible clarification or not, Phil Simms should probably let it drop.

Frankly, we’re more concerned about the following quote from Young:

It had absolutely no impact on how Phil raised his son. I’d let Phil raise my son. He can literally raise my two sons right now. I trust Phil implicitly.

OK, Steve, we realize you’ve been hit in the head a few times. We also note that Michael Irvin’s IQ is approximately the square root of yours, and that as a functionally literate adult you represent a rarity in the pregame commentator field. However, your use of “literally,” while not as bad as some examples we could construct (cf. “I was so embarrassed that I literally exploded into tiny pieces around the room before literally devouring the house in a vortex of shame”), is not, shall we say, conventional. Unless you’re emancipating your sons and shipping them off to Chez Simms, let’s avoid the spurious “literally,” OK? Furthermore, it’s not clear how you can trust Phil Simms “implicitly,” especially since your statement makes your putative trust of Simms explicit.

Since Week 8:
Overall: 31/42
LOTW: 3/3
Pathetic Pundit Prediction: 3/3

• Arizona @ St. Louis: St. Louis. Four more field goals for fantasy wunderkind Neil Rackers
• Carolina @ Chicago: Carolina. Which Steve will score the touchdowns today?
• Detroit @ Dallas: Dallas. When asked if he was neverous about returning to the starting spot after Jeff Garcia reinjured his leg, Freddie Harrington Jr.’s said, “What are they going to do, bench me?”.
• Jacksonville @ Tennessee: Jacksonville. I just picked up Matt Jones for my fantasy team after his huge week last week. Memo to Jimmy Smith: you’re old.
• Miami @ Cleveland: Miami. I’ve been burned picking both of these teams against other bad teams, but I’ll pick Miami here, since they beat both Denver and Carolina.
• New Orleans @ New England: New England. Look for New England to have a Category 4 victory here.
• Oakland @ Washington: Washington. Oakland has given everybody in the NFC East a tough time, and I think they could pull off the upset today. I think this might be the best game of Sunday.
• Philadelphia @ N.Y. Giants: Giants. No DMac = no win.
• Pittsburgh @ Baltimore: Baltimore. I would pick Pittsburgh with Roethlisberger or Charlie Batch, but Tommy Maddox is the kiss of death.
• Tampa Bay @ Atlanta: Atlanta. I would pick Tampa Bay if Carnell “Jalopy” Williams didn’t look so gimpy since his foot injury. The Cadillac would have run roughshod over the poor Atlanta run defense. I expect Carolina to win the NFC South, so this game may determine a wild card spot.
• Seattle @ San Francisco: Seattle. Our Kryptonite Lock of the Week, just barely edging out Denver vs. the Jets, because Cody Pickett sucks WAY more than Brooks Bollinger.
• Buffalo @ San Diego: Buffalo’s crappy run defense should make for a big day for LaDanian Tomlinson. San Diego.
• Indianapolis @ Cincinatti: Indianapolis. Cincinatti still hasn’t beaten a legitimate team, and that’s not going to change on Sunday.
• N.Y. Jets @ Denver: Denver. Brooks Bollinger, meet Trevor Pryce.
• Kansas City @ Houston: Kansas City. I have nothing to say about this game, so I’ll just point out that Tony Gonzalez is a leading candidate for biggest fantasy fooball disappointment this year.
• Minnesota @ Green Bay: Green Bay. I’m picking Green Bay because they seem to have put an offense back together with everybody’s favorite nobody, Samkon Gado. But with some of the worst special teams play in the NFL, you have to wonder whether Minnesota won’t run back 2 or 3 kicks to the house again this week.

Pathetic Pundit Prediction: I got nothing this week. Starbuck totally let me down; in fact, the only difference between our predictions is that he thinks Oaktown will upset Washington, which I find pretty plausible. Someone on SI was just claiming that the Falcons would win the NFC South, but for the life of me, I can’t find it. I’ll update this section if I can find something before the games start.

There’s not much I can say about this bizarre op-ed in AsianWeek.com. It’s a ludicrous, content-free fluff piece that exists more to address the “model minority” concept than to talk about Owens. (Furthermore, it does so poorly, as would a question on a freshman-level ethnic-studies exam.) The column’s football-related analysis is almost wholly bogus and toes Owens’ line so closely that it could have been written by Michael Irvin or Drew Rosenhaus. However, the piece does have an absolutely golden money quote:

What if T.O. had a touch of Tao –-– that sensibility central to Asian philosophy, knowledge and religion, translated generally as “The Way[?]”

Let’s set aside the utter implausibility of this concept and reflect on its delightful implication: T.O. Koans.

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A monk asked Owens: “Does McNabb have the Buddha-nature?” Owens remained silent.

The monk asked again: “I say, does McNabb have the Buddha-nature?” Owens shouted without making a sound.

The monk asked a third time: “Tell me, does McNabb have the Buddha-nature?”

Owens responded: “Man, I don’t know sh*t about the Buddha, but I’m not the one who got tired in the Super Bowl.”

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Owens saw his contract and opined: “This contract is unjust; how is it possible that I did sign it?”

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A monk asked Rosenhaus: “How can the enlightened man make peace with the unenlightened man?”

Rosenhaus reflected before replying: “Next question.”

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The Buddha advised Owens: When you apologize, do not admit culpability, for contrition has no more place in an apology than wetness does in water.

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A monk asked Rosenhaus: “What do you see when you shut your eyes?”

Rosenhaus replied immediately: “Your questioning is effective. Go and climb the mountain.”

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One day, Douglas confronted Owens: “How are you training for this week’s activities?”

Owens replied: “By freeing myself from want for material wealth and focusing my spirit on visualizing enlightenment in order to escape from the physical world.”

Douglas replied: “Have you not also visualized a severe ankle injury in order to escape from Tuesday’s physical practices?”

Owens’ response did not have the Buddha-nature.

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Rosenhaus said to the Buddha: “My client will be happy to play somewhere next year and improve his legacy.”

The Buddha asked Owens: “You seek a new contract? How can you go through a nine-game stretch without dropping any passes, fumbling any balls, doing anything stupid in the locker room, or enduring serious injury in a game?”

And Owens was enlightened.

Technorati Tags: owens

I’m going to have to differ with Eben on the TO situation. For fantasy football players who own TO, his return by week 15 could have a big impact on the playoffs. Personally, I have held onto him where I owned him, and grabbed him in leagues where he was dropped. The media predictions are all over the map: here ESPN’s Sal Paolantonio and Chris Mortensen argue TO has a chance to return, while FOX sports “legal analyst” Rob Becker says no way.

If Donovan McNabb hangs it up for the season to have surgery for his sports hernia, what impact will it have on the TO scenario? It might alleviate the locker room tension, paving the way for TO to return. I doubt that Mike McMahon would complain about having TO on the field to make him look decent. The only downside about this hypothetical situation is that TO may not have near the fantasy value with McMahon behind center.

Well, I think we all here at IP.com are eagerly awaiting the arbitration hearing set for tomorrow concerning our favorite player. I must admit, it’s a bit pathetic when Jeremiah Trotter states, “We would love to have T.O. back.” Clearly this is a team that is realizing its season is over.

Well, wait, now that I think about it, we here at IP.com aren’t really that anxious about it. Bald Prediction of the Week #1: T.O. will stay with the Eagles, will not play again this year, and will not return to the team next season. I think everyone in the Eagles camp realizes that if McNabb has the surgery everyone is recommending the season is a wash anyway. Fantasy players, just let him go, don’t fill up that roster spot, even as tempting as it might be . . .

We at IP.com have long wondered why Tom Brady continues to get a Favre-caliber slurping from Venti Sumatran Soy Merlot Redeye. Brady appears competent and has no obvious substance abuse or domestic violence problems, but it will be some time before commentators can credibly argue that he is a great quarterback and not merely an efficient manager, buoyed by excellent supporting casts to several Super Bowl victories. Nevertheless, he is already hailed as the second coming of everyone’s favorite “regular ol’ dude” by the usual suspects.

However, after last week’s drubbing at the hands of the Colts, Brady showed why der Koffee-könig likes him so much:

How tough was the last loss?

Quarterback Tom Brady left without answering questions after giving a 94-word statement. Could you spare it, Tom?

“It was 1 in the morning,” Brady told reporters a couple of days later. “I didn’t want to waste everybody’s time. I don’t think I had a lot of good things to say. I think everyone was frustrated by the loss. To sit up there and tell you how bad we are, I don’t think anyone wants to hear that. I figured just let’s say our peace and move on.”

It is clear that Brady needs his cappuccino. (King is also often struggling by 1 am when he’s forced to forego his bean.)

Technorati Tags: brady, cappuccino, patriots, peter king

Paul Edinger, who has undoubtedly provided a great deal of delight to Bears fans this season by demonstrating why is no longer “Missing at the Midway,” will not be playing for Minnesota next year. When your defense sets you up by creating two turnovers inside the opposing 35, you have to make those kicks. Sure, he had that absolutely clutch 56-yard game-winner against Green Bay, but he has generally looked a lot more like Martin Gramatica than Adam Vinatieri.

Technorati Tags: edinger, vikings

Since week 8:
Overall: 22/28
Lock of the Week: 2/2
Pathetic Pundit Prediction: 2/2

You’ll notice I’m not tracking my “Upset of the Week” performance. That’s because picking upsets is hard, and makes my stats look bad. I’m just trying to mix it up a bit. I can tell you one thing for sure: I won’t pick the Packers again for a while.

• Arizona @ Detroit: This week’s Pooper Bowl. If you care about this game, I feel sorry for you. Detroit, I guess.
• Baltimore @ Jacksonville: Good D can only carry you so far. No, I’m not talking about the Ravens. Jacksonville.
• Houston @ Indianaplois: Indianapolis, of course. Our Home Depot Lock of the Week.
• Kansas City @ Buffalo: Big run game vs. terrible run D. Kansas City.
• Minnesota @ NY Giants: Teams outside the NFC North that have been beaten by teams in the NFC North: New Orleans (x3), Baltimore (x2), Cleveland. Do you catch my drift? Giants.
• New England @ Miami: New England. Last week’s game vs. Indy was very impressive. Collectively, Indy and the Pats went for it on 4th down as often as they punted. That’s the way football should be played: aggressively.
• San Francisco @ Chicago: Probably Chicago. I think it will be interesting to see whether Cedric Benson can step it up while Julius Jones Sr. is injured.
• Denver @ Oakland: Denver. Both teams are playing well offensively, but Denver’s D has been vicious, and Oakland’s D has, well, shown up for the games.
• N.Y. Jets @ Carolina: aka Ty Law vs. Steve Smith. Carolina
• Green Bay @ Atlanta: Atlanta. The Packers will get smoked, but I will be cheering Samkon Gado, the new Nigerian Nightmare.
• St. Louis @ Seattle: St. Louis. The big upset this week. Running the ball seems to have done wonders for the Rams.
• Washington @ Tampa Bay: Washington. Has anybody seen Michael Clayton this season?
• Cleveland @ Pittsburgh: Pittsburgh. Only Tommy Maddox could screw this one up.
• Dallas @ Philadelphia: It will become apparent this week that team cancer Terrell Owens is not the reason that Philadelphia is losing. Dallas.

Pathetic Pundit Production: Grande Amaretto Steamer thinks the ‘Fins will beat the Patriots. After a few losses, the pundits are jumping off the Patriots bandwagon faster than Green Bay running backs go on injured reserve. Memo to the Caffeinated One: The Dolphins suck. The Patriots are a good team with a lot of injuries. Big difference. Of course, Starbuck picked the Dolphins last week against the Falcons, probably because Michael Vick can’t pass. Yeah, he’s no Gus Frerotte, that’s for sure.

Last week, Starbuck thought the Giants would beat the 49ers by two points; Gus predicted the Giants would win by at least 21. The Giants won by 18, and while technically we should give this one to TCO, he’s such a jagweed that we’re still taking credit for it. Suck it, King.