Illegal Procedure

It certainly appears that Brett Favre is ready for the glue factory, but what remains unclear about his craptacular, 5-INT performance against Cincy is how exactly his ardent defenders in the sports media will explain away its significance. Even as Favre was completing pass after pass to Bengal linebackers, the Fox announcers were comparing him to Babe Ruth.

In particular, Favre is a perfect candidate for Peter King‘s regular “Caramel Macchiato Goat of the Week (Poured out by Starbucks) Award,” but will he get it? The smart money is on “no.” King can’t stop slurping Favre long enough to admit that everyone’s favorite “demigod quarterback good ol’ regular guy” has long since passed his sell-by date.

Vegas hasn’t yet released the over/under on “number of implausible excuses Peter King makes for Brett Favre,” but I’ll put it at 5.

After being benched by the Detroit Lions, Joey Harrington has been traded to ABC, where he will star in a new sitcom, strangely called “Freddie”. We expect this new venture will be about as successful as his last.

I’ve started participating in game-picking pools this season, so I figured: why not submit the results for the amusement of the masses? I will also take time each week to ridicule the most ridiculous prediction I can find in the mainstream sports media, though it remains to be seen if anyone can outstrip the “king” of absurd prognostications.

• Arizona @ Dallas: Dallas. Duh.
• Chicago @ Detroit: Detroit. I don’t think that Garcia will end up looking much better than Harrington behind that terrible O-line, but he has re-energized the team, and Chicago just won’t score enough points.
• Cleveland @ Houston: Who cares/flip a coin. For the purposes of tracking my prediction record I’ll say Cleveland.
• Green Bay @ Cincinnati: Cincinnati. The Bengals haven’t beaten a good team all season; fortunately for them the Packers aren’t a good team.
• Jacksonville @ St. Louis: In theory this should be a fantastic matchup between a premiere pass offense and terrific secondary. But with Bulger, Holt, and Bruce all sidelined with injuries, the Rams stand no chance. Jacksonville.
• Minnesota @ Carolina: Minnesota isn’t as bad as people think, and Carolina isn’t as good as people think. The outcome will be determined by who throws more interceptions: an improving Daunte Culpepper, or interception specialist Jake Plummer Delhomme. But I have to go with the team that’s actually showing some heart: Carolina.
• Oakland @ Tennessee: Oakland. I think this team is going to have more success building the offense around Lamont Jordan rather than Randy Moss.
• Washington @ N.Y. Giants: Giants. This should be a good game, and I’m just picking the home team.
• Kansas City @ San Diego: This should be a fantastic offensive matchup. But because the Chiefs’ passing game has been inexpicably lacking, and the Chargers defense sucks a little less, I pick: San Diego.
• Miami vs. New Orleans @ LSU: It pains me to do this, but: New Orleans.
• Philadelpha @ Denver: The Eagles have rallied late to beat all of Denver’s AFC West brethren. Combine this with the fact that Denver has faded late in games against the Redskins, Patriots, and Giants recently, and it looks like a recipe for failure for the Broncos. But I’m still picking the Broncos at home. Denver.
• Tampa Bay @ San Francisco: Tampa Bay. Pick Chris Simms up off your fantasy waiver wire and then trade him away after he throws 4 TDs on the 49ers.
• Buffalo @ New England: New England. We at IP.com love picking against the Pats for the sake of riling people up, but come on, the Bills suck. If you can suss out whether Corey Dillon or Patrick Pass will start for this game, you can bank on 3 fantasy TDs.
• Baltimore @ Pittsburgh: Pittsburgh. The lock of the week.

Pathetic pundit prediction of the week: Triple Hazelnut Machiatto thinks the Eagles will have a 60-40 run-pass ratio on Sunday. This is ridiculous because:

1. The Eagles offense is built around the pass. No matter how much the sports punditry seems to think it would be a good idea, you are not going to see Brian Westbrook grind out 30 carries per game.
2. The Broncos are ranked a formidable 5th in rushing defense, but only 26th in pass defense. If you were the Eagles, what would you do?

Our prediction: a 30-70 run-pass ratio, just like every other week.

ESPN has gotten more mileage out of the steroids issue than any other over the last few years. This mileage has come cheaply as well, as the production costs involved in discussing steroids must be absurdly low. What does it cost to show a photo of Barry Bonds or Mark McGwire and ask about asterisks in record books? What does it cost to channel footage of CSPAN for hours instead of presenting original programming? What does it cost to have two salaried talking heads spend fifteen additional minutes debating various irrelevant steroid issues? Indeed, so steroid-enhanced is the network’s programming and commentary that one might wonder if ESPN’s ratings deserve an asterisk.

Of course, given current federal interest in steroids in professional sports, the ESPN-acceptable set of steroid-related opinions ranges from mere disgust to abject fury. One can imagine my surprise, then, when I heard the following advertisement on my local ESPN Radio affiliate:

— I’m worried about my son Jesse. He’s fifteen, but he’s so short!
— Fortunately, there’s a new supplement for people ages 12-25 who want to be taller!

The ad goes on for some time. Set aside the total creepiness of a father who’s a little too interested in his son’s athletic prowess, and just focus on the hypocrisy. The same network that condemns steroid use at every opportunity is taking ad dollars from a company called HeightMax. HeightMax operates outside of FDA oversight, since they produce “supplements” (remember safe, natural ephedra?). However, even if HeightMax is unlikely to be the subject of a Balco-style raid, they still are a company who profits when parents decide that their children should be doping.

Think about that the next time you see one of those ubiquitous “steroids destroy young athletes” PSAs.

We at IP.com were relieved to hear that Denver lineman Dwayne Carswell’s prognosis is excellent after a terrible car accident. (Hey, it’s not like his name is “Driveswell.”) Media reports are still unclear as to whether he was trying to drive with his hands wrapped around his girlfriend’s neck.

I’m absurdly late to the train with this one, but a Philadelphia craigslist poster had a better take on the offseason T.O. debacle than anyone else.

Bengals.com features a story about Don Smith, the guy who came up with the NFL’s passer rating system. The lede is my nominee for the IP.com unintentional hilarity of the day:

Don Smith, the man who invented the NFL’s passer rating statistic in the decade before the births of Carson Palmer and Ben Roethlisberger, says he was never any good with numbers.

He was never any good with numbers? You’re kidding! You mean to tell me that a fellow who devised a system in which a perfect score is 158.3 and in which a quarterback who completes no passes gets a rating of approximately 40 wasn’t “good with numbers?” I’m shocked!

Of course, Bengals.com is only reporting on the passer rating for the only reason that anyone gives this number the time of day: it’s a meaningless statistic that can be used to prove a point, provided you’re willing to selectively ignore others. I can’t imagine that Bengals.com would care about the obscure man responsible for this ranking at all if their guy weren’t near the top. Enjoy it now, Bengals fan, and hope it lasts. Carson Palmer is having a great year, and Cincy looks fairly legit. However, we’ve noted how well winning the passer rating game worked out for Peyton Manning and Daunte Culpepper in 2004.

According to this NYT article (scroll down), the ACLU has filed suit against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Recently, the NFL decided that “stadiums can’t defend themselves.” As a result, the league reasoning went, teams should implement mandatory pat-down searches of all spectators at NFL games. Unfortunately for the NFL, the ACLU feels that said searches are an affront to freedom, which (like Raymond James Stadium) can’t defend itself.

I’m glad that all other challenges to civil liberties have been quashed so that the ACLU can focus on this vitally important issue. I hope, however, that they can also devote time to achieving a freedom even more precious than the freedom to enter an NFL stadium armed to the gills: freedom from televised Warren Sapp interviews. No man, woman, or child should be subjected to Sapp’s lackwitted malapropisms, infelicitous turns of phrase, and vapid guffawing at his own incomprehensible attempts at humor. Just for the record, I’d gladly file an amicus brief in any possible ACLU v. Sapp. (Hell, the ACLU could probably get Tampa on their side in such a case; I can’t imagine any Bucs liked 99′s incoherent babble that much even when he was making plays for them.)

Apparently, the Minnesota Vikings hijacked a boat and beat up some hookers last week.

The alleged whores allegedly flew up from Atlanta and Houston, where they allegedly performed sex acts with alleged NFL-caliber athletes. Of course, prostitution across state lines is a federal felony, but it was probably deemed worth the risk after players considered available local “talent” in the Twin Cities.

Note to casual NFL-police-blotter-observers: the last time oft-maligned former Minnesota receiver Randy Moss was on Lake Minnetonka, he was hosting a charity fishing event to benefit children in developing countries.

OK, so Ben Roethlisberger hyperextended his knee last night. He didn’t wrap the knee, presumably because preventative sports medicine isn’t required by Pennsylvania law. Mayor McCheese said after the game that he’d be all right, that “you know me, I’m tough.”

Yeah, Ben, we know exactly how “tough” you are. Your knee is fine now; after you lose in a critical game, though, it will have been broken all along, and the only reason you’re taking the field is because that evil Bill Cowher is making you play against your will. Also, your thumb, toes, and scrotum are totally hurt.

That’s the ticket.

(Don’t worry about missing playing time, Ben. Luis Castillo may have injured your knee, but I bet he has some advice on speeding up the healing process.)