We at IP.com aren’t living on a fascist, theocratic dictator’s salary, so we haven’t shelled out the bones for Madden 2007 yet. In the interim, we’ve kept ourselves entertained with this football game.
Recently, much speculation has been devoted to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s cryptic statement that he will answer all questions about Iran’s nuclear program by August 22. Many observers, including historian Bernard Lewis, have identified that August 22 corresponds to an Islamic holiday with apocalyptic overtones. Also consider that Ahmadinejad is — to put it charitably — a total nutcase, often prone to wacky antics like denying the Holocaust; claiming that he is an Islamic messiah, calling for the destruction of the United States; and claiming that an oil-exporting, terrorist-sponsoring state needs nuclear technology strictly for peaceful purposes, such as powering the generators that broadcast Persian Idol. Given the current state of affairs, Ahmadinejad’s claim appears ominous at best.
We can now reveal the truth in an illegalprocedure.com Exclusive Report; it is even more terrifying than you could imagine. Ahmadinejad is timing his announcement for an even more sinister holiday. This holiday corresponds to decreased productivity in the Western world, major economic impact, and increased network “chatter.”
The president of the Islamic Republic is waiting for Maddenoliday to announce his terrible plan. “Maddenoliday,” which falls on August 22 this year, is the name given by the EA Sports to the release date of their annual update to the Madden NFL video-game series. We hear that he expects to coordinate the announcement with synchronized simulated attacks on Foxboro, Denver, and Pittsburgh, which he has dubbed “a little Satan.”
In addition, illegalprocedure.com’s Covert Persian Correspondent has discovered that Ahmadinejad has been “nearly incontinent with excitement” over this year’s token gameplay addition: several “tweaks” to the running game. If our sources are correct, Ahmadinejad has not been so elated since Madden NFL 2005 introduced the “Hit Stick,” a game feature enabling defensive players to risk missing a tackle by attempting to force a fumble. (Last year’s innovations, including the “Truck Stick” and the precision passing system, were less well-received.) Reports from Tehran are that the president’s love for current cover athlete Shaun Alexander even outstrips his fury at the EA Sports “infidels” and the minimal nature of the annual incremental updates to the famous sports franchise.
Stewart Mandel at SI.com thought it was ridiculous that the soundtrack for EA Sports’ NCAA Football 2006 included tracks from various Gen-X era college rock acts like the Pixies and the Pietasters. Mandel wonders “what the programmers1 were thinking,” since he “highly doubt[s] there is an abundance of Pixies and Pietasters fans among the college football video-game-buying public.”
1 As an aside: Stewie, it seems unlikely that programmers were thinking much about the soundtrack decisions at all. We at IP.com — Pixies and Pietasters fans all — are unwilling to pay list price for this year’s sports-based games, and we don’t have a copy of NCAA Football 2006 handy in order to check the credits. However, since the mid-80s or so, programmers have typically had very little to do with art direction or soundtracks on video games. In fact, contemporary video game productions employ teams of 50-100 and have multimillion dollar budgets. In a large video game project like an EA Sports title, the programmers are focused on mundane details like ensuring that players can’t run through one another — not on whether or not there’s more than one song Stewart Mandel can recognize on the soundtrack.
I’m not interested in debating Mandel’s assertions about what sort of music is likely to be preferable to video-game football fans. Instead, I’m more interested, in the process involved in choosing incidental music for NFL games. Sure, there are the standards: Ozzy Osbourne’s “Crazy Train,” Guns-n-Roses’ “Welcome to the Jungle,” Todd Rundgren’s “Bang on the Drum,” and AC/DC’s “Hell’s Bells” (third downs only!) are popular in stadiums. ESPN’s Sunday Night game emulates the stadium experience: at commercials, Bristol typically features hard rock like AC/DC (even “Thunderstruck!”) and KISS, probably to damage viewer hearing to minimize the impact of Theismann’s inanity.
The over-the-air networks, though, seem to draw from a deeper well. In 2002, Fox used the riff from Bad Brains’ “Re-Ignition” when they were showing stats. That’s bizarre, since I highly doubt that there are an abundance of Bad Brains fans among the NFL-watching public, but cool. This year, CBS has been all over the map, using everything from the Thievery Corporation to late-period Minor Threat, none of which really strikes me as a priori football-appropriate. However, it all seems to work when I’m watching a game.
Put that in your pipe, Mandel.