Illegal Procedure

…because a hell of a lot less of the earth is covered by Smoot than we’ve been led to believe. And seriously, I think those five preseason games have lulled Zorn into some kind of reverie in which the fourth quarter is just for evaluating practice-squad players, not for actually trying to win.

Gus already did a great job of reacting to the game, so I’ll take a moment to reflect on Fred Smoot. Last night, I got a little misty that my young son was able to see so many characteristic Smoot moves before bedtime: the unnecessary receiver-mugging (resulting in a drive-extending PI call), the hopeless flop, the sideline pout — and these three were all on the same play!

Smoot is interesting because he personifies a particular kind of overrated player, the one who shows just enough flashes of brilliance (or even competence) to be extremely frustrating. When he’s not getting burned or penalized, he’s jawing or whining at his opponents or teammates. He does seem to be pretty good at tackling, at least within a few yards after a receiver makes an easy first down.

Sure enough, just as I was getting ready to put on my smoking jacket, get my scotch, and start scoffing at how much better I am at evaluating football talent than Dan Snyder (who overpaid to get Smoot from an empty set of suitors after Minnesota cut him loose), Smoot had a pick. “Ah ha!” I thought, “surely, this is the Fred Smoot that Vikings fans were briefly excited about in March 2005 and that Redskins fans were heartbroken to see go!” Then he went back to sucking for the rest of the night.

Game notes:

• Less time on hair gel, more time on game plan.
• Trade Santana Moss for Plaxico Burress.
• That Eli is one elusive motherfucker.
• What was Clinton talking about with all that “off-tackle” and “outside” jabber?  Oh, that was on-camera?  How did my hair look?
• Chris who?
• Upside: ball did not injure receivers as it bounced harmlessly off their hands.
• Blame it on Campbell, he looked almost as lost as I did.

The Green Bay Packers have issued a lengthy statement assuring the fans that they have “a plan” in place to proceed with Brett Favre as their quarterback. I actually have a pretty good idea what that plan is:

1. Announce in public that they’ve moved on without him.
2. Burn every possible bridge with Favre and make it clear that he is not welcome back.
3. Do everything possible — including bribes, groveling, and abduction of offspring — to prevent Favre from returning.
4. When he calls their bluff, issue a half-assed, implausible press release in a desperate attempt to increase his trade value.
5. Wind up cutting him anyway after no one bites.

Man, that Ted Thompson sure is an expert negotiator and shrewd manager! I only regret that he is merely a football executive. As Secretary of State, I bet he could turn Iran into a functioning liberal democracy with nothing more than his trusty pen.

Judd Zulgad is one of my favorite NFL beat writers. However, he certainly knows how to twist the knife.

I have never even entertained the thought of wanting McNabb to leave Philadelphia. I don’t know anybody who wants this. I only know who Kevin Kolb is because you’ve shown him more than McNabb during the f*#king game. The only people who’ve discussed it are Mike Tirico, Tony Kornheiser, and expert Charles Barkley.

Oh wait, what am I saying? Of course! I really want the Eagles to ditch McNabb for a once and a future career backup! Thanks for reminding me!

Love,

Eagles Fan(s)

Apparently, oft-disgraced wideout David Boston, who was recently arrested for being asleep at the wheel of his car, peed a glass of GHB. (If that doesn’t mean anything to you, you can get some more information from drugged-out ravers here.) There’s no word yet on which dastardly frat boy is suspected of spiking Boston’s candy apple schnapps.

On a personal note, as a Vikings fan, I have to feel pretty good about the fact that Boston was once a top-ten pick; perhaps Troy Williamson is so terrible because he’s always hopped up on panty remover.

Apparently, walrus and cult member Andy Reid has characterized PR Orlando Jeremy Bloom as “just OK.” We were able to reach Bloom, who got himself banned from college athletics by hanging out with Bode Miller and modeling underwear, for comment: “OK?” he said incredulously, “no, I’m super.” Thanks, Jeremy!

Vikings safety Darren Sharper is flat-out awesome in this tongue-in-cheek quote about Mankato, MN (pop. 32,427), where the Vikings hold their training camp:

Well it’s always a pleasure to come down to such a beautiful place like Mankato. You get to see the nice scenery, the farms. When we were driving here, you get to smell the nice aroma of manure when you hit about 20 miles from Mankato… We get to check out a lot of the nice spots they have here, the nicer restaurants. Red Lobster, which is always a fine place to eat… We definitely get some culture down here. It’s a nice place, we always enjoy coming down here.

[via KFAN, which reports this without detecting that Sharper is kidding]

Hey, Tom Mantzouranis! Last offseason called, and it wants its joke back.

Todd Haley has to deal with a rat in the locker room (hint: this rat is also known as “The Player”), but Todd Haley’s Wife and Mistresslive-in au pair have to deal with RAT SALAD.

In other Cowboys news, apparently Tony Romo gets the start again. I’ve figured out why, after seeing the same highlights of him on ESPN approximately 47,608 times: he’s clearly a much better tackler than Drew Bledsoe. He could probably take down most cornerbacks and safeties without too much trouble, and I bet that he’d have a fair shot against at least some linebackers.