Illegal Procedure

Wow. It takes a lot to make Michael Vick look sincere.

Mark Maske has an article assuring us that, yes, the Giants and Colts will pull no punches on Sunday night even though — and this is a closely guarded secret — their quarterbacks are actually brothers.

Said Giants linebacker LaVar Arrington: “If [Giants quarterback Eli Manning's] mom were out there in a uniform, I’d hit her and wouldn’t think anything about it.”

Of course, Arrington freelances so much that I wouldn’t be surprised to see him take out Olivia even if she remains in the stands. Hell, if I were Elisha Archibald III, I’d be showing up to my luxury box in pads and a helmet.

Consider this the first installment of a new feature I call “Some things that I may or may not actually believe.” In this feature, we’ll talk about current games; discuss pressing issues like House, M.D., Coldplay, and Warren Sapp‘s awareness of the primary election process; and (most importantly) detail the shenanigans of our children and pets, our recent digestive system activity, and caffeinated beverages we’ve consumed recently.

Some things I may or may not actually believe: Indy-Seattle edition

1. I’ll go on the record now and state that I like Michaels-Madden far more than I’m generally willing to admit. Also, Bob Costas owns Joe Buck any day, even if Costas is the Patron Saint of Moronic Segues.
2. Marvin Harrison has still got it, even if he is getting old and remains kind of a weirdo in interviews. That one-handed grab with 3:26 remaining in the first quarter was just sick.
3. Ben Utecht sounds less like an NFL tight end and more like he should be a city in the Netherlands — perhaps one that once was central to the tulip trade and may have been conquered by the French at some point. Seriously, dude, you just can’t cough those up.
4. Peyton Manning still looks like he’s about to have an aneurysm whenever someone else screws up. Sometimes it’s hard to “try to be a good teammate.”
5. Speaking of which, why the hell do advertisements continue to exploit Manning’s nonexistent charisma? “DE-CAF!” and “Cut that meat!” are classics, because you can actually picture a Sasquatch like Manning doing that on his day off. However, the current DirecTV ad, which exists solely to point out how miserable the NFL’s TV policy is, is infuriating. That cell-phone ad with Manning wearing a Dirty Sanchez disguise and shilling for himself is even worse.
6. As paradoxical as it sounds, I believe that both Edgerrin James and Joseph Addai are going to have crappy years.
7. If I would have known that Nate Burleson would have been so awesome in the West Coast Offense, I would have driven to Winter Park, MN and ponied up the $49 million by myself so the Vikings could match Holmgren’s tit-for-tat poison pill offer.
8. Oh, I am totally kidding. I burned you, Nate Burleson! You are a terrible fit for the West Coast Offense! Taste the mega-burn! Oooh!
9. Seattle’s special teams don’t look too terrible, but Andrea Kremer does. She still looks like a Saturday Night Live parody of herself.
10. Indy fans who worry about the injury to Manning backup Jim Sorgi need only know that, when Sorgi was the quarterback at Wisconsin, the local media pined for the good ol’ days of Brooks Bollinger. Yes, that Brooks “Even though Pennington’s arm is held together with Scotch tape and balsa, he gets the start” Bollinger.
11. These are the non-football things that I may or may not actually believe:
    1. Colanerdness: Is it just me, or does Diet Coke with Splenda have even more of a pronounced vanilla flavor than regular Diet Coke? Kudos to Elaine at the Hy-Vee in Spirit Lake, IA, who sold me a spectacular 12-pack of Coke Zero last week.
    2. I dare you to watch the Wendy’s ad that refers to “burgivores” without hearing “burger whores.”
    3. Conan O’Brien just appeared in an ad in which he appealed to “football fans” to watch the Emmys “if you are comfortable with your sexuality.” Give me a break, Conan. Sure, the Emmys are lame and full of masturbatory celebrity worship, but it’s not like you’re hosting the fucking Tony awards.
    4. If you don’t watch this video, your favorite team will assuredly suffer some minor setbacks over the course of the season.

30-year-old Indy quarterback Peyton Manning expects to play for eight more years, citing good health and a career of “outstanding protection.” Well, as long as the Colts aren’t playing Pittsburgh, that is.

BTW: Apparently the Duke women’s lacrosse team plans to show their support for the men’s team by raping a male stripper.

My wife, upon hearing that the Dolphins had signed Marcus Vick, had this to say:

Doesn’t he have to go to prison?

Here’s a poorly written article documenting the rushing supremacy of the AFC West. This highlights a point I’ve been making since before the season started: the AFC West is the best division in the NFL. The NFC East was looking pretty good until the Redskins, Eagles, and Cowboys were all exposed. Now the AFC West reigns supreme.

I don’t think any individual team has the ability to topple the mighty Colts, but this is a tough bunch of teams, and 2 or possibly even 3 of them will be in the playoffs. The division games over the next few weeks should prove very interesting.

Earlier this week, Gus predicted that Priest Holmes might be done with the NFL for good. The same rumor just hit the mainstream press; mad props to Gus!

We at IP.com were relieved to hear that Denver lineman Dwayne Carswell’s prognosis is excellent after a terrible car accident. (Hey, it’s not like his name is “Driveswell.”) Media reports are still unclear as to whether he was trying to drive with his hands wrapped around his girlfriend’s neck.

OK, so Ben Roethlisberger hyperextended his knee last night. He didn’t wrap the knee, presumably because preventative sports medicine isn’t required by Pennsylvania law. Mayor McCheese said after the game that he’d be all right, that “you know me, I’m tough.”

Yeah, Ben, we know exactly how “tough” you are. Your knee is fine now; after you lose in a critical game, though, it will have been broken all along, and the only reason you’re taking the field is because that evil Bill Cowher is making you play against your will. Also, your thumb, toes, and scrotum are totally hurt.

That’s the ticket.

(Don’t worry about missing playing time, Ben. Luis Castillo may have injured your knee, but I bet he has some advice on speeding up the healing process.)