Illegal Procedure

The Green Bay Packers have issued a lengthy statement assuring the fans that they have “a plan” in place to proceed with Brett Favre as their quarterback. I actually have a pretty good idea what that plan is:

1. Announce in public that they’ve moved on without him.
2. Burn every possible bridge with Favre and make it clear that he is not welcome back.
3. Do everything possible — including bribes, groveling, and abduction of offspring — to prevent Favre from returning.
4. When he calls their bluff, issue a half-assed, implausible press release in a desperate attempt to increase his trade value.
5. Wind up cutting him anyway after no one bites.

Man, that Ted Thompson sure is an expert negotiator and shrewd manager! I only regret that he is merely a football executive. As Secretary of State, I bet he could turn Iran into a functioning liberal democracy with nothing more than his trusty pen.

So, apparently, some nutjobs have threatened to execute simultaneous attacks on seven different NFL stadiums this weekend. Let’s leave aside the question of how it would be possible for these putative terrorists to guarantee simultaneous attacks (after all, some of the venues are hosting early games and some are hosting late games). The real issue is that these people clearly don’t understand how America works. Specifically: what of the vast preponderance of Americans who will be forced by the NFL’s broadcast policy to watch uncompelling, dirty-bomb-free matchups?

We at IP.com aren’t living on a fascist, theocratic dictator’s salary, so we haven’t shelled out the bones for Madden 2007 yet. In the interim, we’ve kept ourselves entertained with this football game.

With the T.O. raffle fast approaching, it’s important for personnel departments to have all of the facts so that they can make an informed decision. For example, were you aware that 2′s middle name is “Eldorado?” Coincidentally, his most recent contract demands included a city whose streets are paved with gold.

Here’s some important Super Bowl commentary from IP.com’s favorite linguistics blog.

My suggestion follows the photo.

SASQUATCH ANGRY!!!

Not only can you “kick back with the Manning quarterback snacks,” but you could (in theory) kick back with the Manning quarterbacks proper, as their conference championship weekend involves sitting on the couch just like yours does. I hereby nominate the Van Pelt family (Brad, Bradlee, and famous long-snapper Linus) as “football’s new royal family.”

I’m not surprised that some Wisconsin resident is operating FireTedThompson.com. Thompson’s track record doesn’t look so good, and I know of no Packer fans who are optimistic about Thompson’s coaching hires, including deceased Wisconsin senator Joseph McCarthy at head coach and West Allis, WI native Jeff Jagweedzinski at offensive coordinator. (Of course, hiring local boys has always worked out well in the past for Green Bay.)

Rather, what surprises me is that no one is operating FireTheGuyWhoDesignedFireTedThompson.com. While yellow-on-green is generally recognized as the gold standard for Web readability, my eyes were bleeding after thirty seconds looking at that site, and I now have an uncontrollable desire to eat cheese.

Stewart Mandel at SI.com thought it was ridiculous that the soundtrack for EA Sports’ NCAA Football 2006 included tracks from various Gen-X era college rock acts like the Pixies and the Pietasters. Mandel wonders “what the programmers¹ were thinking,” since he “highly doubt[s] there is an abundance of Pixies and Pietasters fans among the college football video-game-buying public.”

¹ As an aside: Stewie, it seems unlikely that programmers were thinking much about the soundtrack decisions at all. We at IP.com — Pixies and Pietasters fans all — are unwilling to pay list price for this year’s sports-based games, and we don’t have a copy of NCAA Football 2006 handy in order to check the credits. However, since the mid-80s or so, programmers have typically had very little to do with art direction or soundtracks on video games. In fact, contemporary video game productions employ teams of 50-100 and have multimillion dollar budgets. In a large video game project like an EA Sports title, the programmers are focused on mundane details like ensuring that players can’t run through one another — not on whether or not there’s more than one song Stewart Mandel can recognize on the soundtrack.

I’m not interested in debating Mandel’s assertions about what sort of music is likely to be preferable to video-game football fans. Instead, I’m more interested, in the process involved in choosing incidental music for NFL games. Sure, there are the standards: Ozzy Osbourne’s “Crazy Train,” Guns-n-Roses’ “Welcome to the Jungle,” Todd Rundgren’s “Bang on the Drum,” and AC/DC’s “Hell’s Bells” (third downs only!) are popular in stadiums. ESPN’s Sunday Night game emulates the stadium experience: at commercials, Bristol typically features hard rock like AC/DC (even “Thunderstruck!”) and KISS, probably to damage viewer hearing to minimize the impact of Theismann’s inanity.

The over-the-air networks, though, seem to draw from a deeper well. In 2002, Fox used the riff from Bad Brains’ “Re-Ignition” when they were showing stats. That’s bizarre, since I highly doubt that there are an abundance of Bad Brains fans among the NFL-watching public, but cool. This year, CBS has been all over the map, using everything from the Thievery Corporation to late-period Minor Threat, none of which really strikes me as a priori football-appropriate. However, it all seems to work when I’m watching a game.

Put that in your pipe, Mandel.

Reliable locals inform me that Texans players are often spotted at Pappadeaux. I just know that the crawfish etoufee is excellent and whoever does the signs is hilarious.