Illegal Procedure

Consider this the first installment of a new feature I call “Some things that I may or may not actually believe.” In this feature, we’ll talk about current games; discuss pressing issues like House, M.D., Coldplay, and Warren Sapp‘s awareness of the primary election process; and (most importantly) detail the shenanigans of our children and pets, our recent digestive system activity, and caffeinated beverages we’ve consumed recently.

Some things I may or may not actually believe: Indy-Seattle edition

1. I’ll go on the record now and state that I like Michaels-Madden far more than I’m generally willing to admit. Also, Bob Costas owns Joe Buck any day, even if Costas is the Patron Saint of Moronic Segues.
2. Marvin Harrison has still got it, even if he is getting old and remains kind of a weirdo in interviews. That one-handed grab with 3:26 remaining in the first quarter was just sick.
3. Ben Utecht sounds less like an NFL tight end and more like he should be a city in the Netherlands — perhaps one that once was central to the tulip trade and may have been conquered by the French at some point. Seriously, dude, you just can’t cough those up.
4. Peyton Manning still looks like he’s about to have an aneurysm whenever someone else screws up. Sometimes it’s hard to “try to be a good teammate.”
5. Speaking of which, why the hell do advertisements continue to exploit Manning’s nonexistent charisma? “DE-CAF!” and “Cut that meat!” are classics, because you can actually picture a Sasquatch like Manning doing that on his day off. However, the current DirecTV ad, which exists solely to point out how miserable the NFL’s TV policy is, is infuriating. That cell-phone ad with Manning wearing a Dirty Sanchez disguise and shilling for himself is even worse.
6. As paradoxical as it sounds, I believe that both Edgerrin James and Joseph Addai are going to have crappy years.
7. If I would have known that Nate Burleson would have been so awesome in the West Coast Offense, I would have driven to Winter Park, MN and ponied up the $49 million by myself so the Vikings could match Holmgren’s tit-for-tat poison pill offer.
8. Oh, I am totally kidding. I burned you, Nate Burleson! You are a terrible fit for the West Coast Offense! Taste the mega-burn! Oooh!
9. Seattle’s special teams don’t look too terrible, but Andrea Kremer does. She still looks like a Saturday Night Live parody of herself.
10. Indy fans who worry about the injury to Manning backup Jim Sorgi need only know that, when Sorgi was the quarterback at Wisconsin, the local media pined for the good ol’ days of Brooks Bollinger. Yes, that Brooks “Even though Pennington’s arm is held together with Scotch tape and balsa, he gets the start” Bollinger.
11. These are the non-football things that I may or may not actually believe:
    1. Colanerdness: Is it just me, or does Diet Coke with Splenda have even more of a pronounced vanilla flavor than regular Diet Coke? Kudos to Elaine at the Hy-Vee in Spirit Lake, IA, who sold me a spectacular 12-pack of Coke Zero last week.
    2. I dare you to watch the Wendy’s ad that refers to “burgivores” without hearing “burger whores.”
    3. Conan O’Brien just appeared in an ad in which he appealed to “football fans” to watch the Emmys “if you are comfortable with your sexuality.” Give me a break, Conan. Sure, the Emmys are lame and full of masturbatory celebrity worship, but it’s not like you’re hosting the fucking Tony awards.
    4. If you don’t watch this video, your favorite team will assuredly suffer some minor setbacks over the course of the season.

Not to be outdone by regional rivals Green Bay, the Minnesota Vikings made a hire yesterday that makes the Packers‘ hire of Mike McCarthy look marginally less ludicrous. (McCarthy, as you may recall, was fired as the offensive coordinator in New Orleans before taking the reins for an unspectacular season in San Francisco.)

Minnesota coach Brad Childress has made it clear that he is all about three criteria:

1. “Midwestern values,”
2. “character,” and
3. “hiring people who have worked at the University of Wisconsin, in Philadelphia, or with Donovan McNabb.”

So it came as no surprise when he hired Virginia Tech QB coach Kevin Rogers to serve in the same capacity with the Vikings. Rogers is famous for having coached Donovan McNabb at Syracuse as well as for bringing character and Midwestern values to the quarterback position in Blacksburg.

By now, you’ve probably seen that the Green Bay Packers are expected to hire Mike McCarthy as their next head coach. At first, one wonders why a team would interview defensive stalwarts like Jim Bates (whose defense ranked 7th) and Ron Rivera (whose defense ranked 2nd) before giving the position to a man who was responsible for the play of a unit ranked last in total offense and last in third down conversion rate. (McCarthy can also claim “credit” for the performance of rookie standout Alex Smith.)

If one looks at McCarthy’s resume, though, it appears that his brief stint as the Packers’ quarterbacks coach may have contributed to his standing in the Green Bay front office. Brett Favre and his agent publicly lobbied for Steve Mariucci, via a veiled threat that Favre would be more likely to postpone hanging it up if the Mooch was at the helm. The Packers didn’t interview Mooch, though. (To be fair, since the Fords are paying him to do nothing right now, he’d be tough to hire at this point.) The McCarthy hiring, then, raises two interesting possibilities:

1. Ted Thompson wants to extend an olive branch to Favre (by hiring his former position coach) and also have a quarterback specialist at head coach to supervise what is sure to be a challenging grooming process for Aaron Rodgers.
2. Thompson doesn’t give a rat’s ass whether or not Favre returns but wants plausible deniability for the fans: “Well, I brought in his old coach. I don’t know why he decided to retire!”

Draw your own conclusions, but I’d give these two possibilities roughly even odds.

Two of the worst coaches in the NFL were fired today: Mike Sherman and Mike Martz. This was a long time coming. Mike Martz is a ridiculously bad coach. He’s the sort of guy who would run up the gut on a 4 and 35 to win the game.

Playoff picks:

I agree with the dog, Pittsburgh will beat the Bengals. They have crumbled in the last month. Their defense is non-existent. (Steelers by 10).

It’s a toss-up between Washington and Tampa Bay. Washington is on a roll, but I’m not convinced that they are actually good. But, then again, I’m not convinced that Tampa Bay is really good either. (TB in overtime by 3, just because they are at home).

The Giants over the Panthers. Both teams are horribly erratic, but the Giants have more than one receiver and they have a better back. (NY by 8.5).

New England beats Jacksonville easy. You don’t even need to give reasons for this one. (NE by 17).

Here’s why Mike Tice will keep his job. (Note that it’s not the case for Tice to keep his job; his midseason turnaround provides some argument for that.) First, Zygi Wilf likes him and has constantly talked about how Tice hasn’t been given the chance to win. (Hey, the lowest-paid staff in the NFL leaves more budget room for organizing the ticket-scalping operation.) Furthermore, Tice has demonstrated something this year that he hasn’t before: the capacity to coach well in meaningless games, to inspire players to not quit on him (even after a 2-5 start), and to make (limited) adjustments in-game. The fans know it, too. Listening to the Metrodome today, you wouldn’t know that the Vikings had been eliminated from the playoffs. Tice’s improvements of late are important to fans, but their effect on fans is even more important to ownership: after all, what would an owner rather have: a consistent team with inconsistent fan support (cf. Philadelphia until this year) or an inconsistent team with consistent fan support? Tice is cheap and he’s on the rise, and Wilf would be smart to keep him, albeit with an incentive-laden contract.

There’s some circumstantial evidence, too: everyone who has predicted that Tice is gone, from Jay Glazer to Sid Hartman to Mike Florio, has couched their predictions heavily and walked the fence. The main argument that Tice is gone seems to be that his agent hasn’t been contacted by the Wilf family — but why would they contact an agent when they have until January 31st to get a deal done? Were I Wilf, I’d want to see whether or not my coach (and team) hung it up when they thought they had nothing to play for.

With that said, I’ll play the pundit card and couch my prediction by naming some good possible replacements for Tice:

1. Scott Linehan (OC, Miami). The grass is always greener for Minnesota fans, many of whom were baffled by Linehan’s penchant for low-percentage trick plays and ill-advised deep balls. However, Linehan represents a similar style to the Vikes’ current offense and the fast track to getting Daunte Culpepper out of his funk.
2. Gary Kubiak (OC, Denver).
3. Brad Childress (OC, Philadelphia).
4. Gregg Williams (DC, Washington).
5. Ted Cottrell (DC, Minnesota).

Note that Jim Fassel is absent from this list. I think he’s a good guy, but I don’t know that he’d do anything for the Vikings.

The (reasonably) sure thing

I am completely on the same page as Eben’s last post about the “why me” look that Favre has had all season after throwing a crappy pass or getting taken down again. ESPN has been running a montage of Favre “miked-up” over the years and it’s striking how much less he seems to enjoy the game now. With that said, though, I’d give it an 80% chance that Favre returns, even in spite of his present football-related ennui and the nonstop retirement-related veneration he’s gotten from every sportscaster that’s called a Green Bay game this year; representative samples include:

1. “In possibly his last 5-interception game ever, Brett Favre looks serene, confident, and not a little godlike….”
2. “And as Favre throws it into a cloud of defenders to avoid the sack, you can see a little tear in Kevin Williams’ eye as he takes drives Brett into the ground for what might be the last time….”
3. “In possibly my last chance to massage Favre’s ego, he has had what historians will remember as an excellent game — if you ignore the miscues, the poor decisions, and the score….”

However, playing in subfreezing temperatures in front of a bunch of illiterate, drunken idiots in blaze orange hunting gear who pray to him at night probably doesn’t provide much of an incentive for Favre to return. As the local doofuses began to chant “Four more years!” in the Seahawks-Packers game today, #4′s whimpering look turned to one of virulent contempt. I still think he’ll come back, if only to bolster his records, but it has to grate on a grown man when he knows he’s done a miserable job all year but people treat him as if his spit restores sight to the blind.

Less-confident predictions

Seattle will win the Super Bowl. (70%) I don’t see anyone in the NFC beating Seattle at home, and I think Seattle matches up extremely well with the probable AFC representatives (which I see as Indy, Denver, and NE).

Cincinnati will lose to Pittsburgh. (68%) Sorry Bengal fans, but your defense is only good if they’re creating turnovers, and Pitt won’t make that many mistakes. Furthermore, Pitt has been on a tear lately, while Cincy will have to deal with the post-cornholing soreness after losing to the lame-duck Chiefs.

Mike Tice will keep his job (65%). Since this flies in the face of the conventional wisdom, I’ll explain in another post. (This is contingent on them thoroughly embarassing Soldier Field JV today.)

Matt Leinart will have near-zero impact in the NFL in 2006. (60%) He’s got three strikes against him: the pro game is a lot tougher, he won’t be playing against Pac-10 defenses, and the team that gets him will have no supporting cast. He’s going to go from teaming with Bush to teaming with turf.

Brian Urlacher will settle at least one paternity suit out of court. (50%) The evidence here speaks for itself; this guy is one busted ligament away from the trailer park, breeds like it’s his job, and apparently has a stable of skanks bigger than a Persian warlord’s harem.

TO will go MoClo. (40%) After this jackass burns out with another club, he’ll realize that the only way to maintain his media whoredom is through an act of clumsy, violent, or otherwise embarassing crime.

Happy New Year!

The holiday season, along with life in the academy, has gotten the best of us here at illegalprocedure.com. Never fear, I make the prediction that posting will be up once the postseason begins. 3 thoughts to get us started: 1. The Colts are still the best team in the league. 2. The Jaguars are not nearly as good as their record. 3. What once looked like a powerful division, the NFC South, has become weak due to the recent play of the Bucs and the Panthers.