Illegal Procedure

Brett Favre’s assertion that the 2009 Vikings are a better team than the 1996 Packers has raised the ire of several people who played on that team. Tight end Mark Chmura doesn’t even attempt a diplomatic tone:

They have Adrian Peterson, but I think Chester Taylor is a guy. We had Dorsey (Levens) and Edgar, that’s pretty good balance. Our tight ends were clearly better (laughs). I may be biased. But seriously, sure America saw his [penis] on TV, but how many teenagers has Visanthe (Shiancoe) raped? How many child enticements has (Jim) Kleinsasser successfully blamed on an ill-fitting swimsuit? Come on, those guys can’t hold a candle to us.

Chmura has a point. When it comes to sexual assault of juveniles, the 2009 Vikings aren’t even in the same league as the 1996 Packers. In fact, if we broaden our scope to consider garden-variety domestic abuse, the 2009 Vikings can’t even touch the 2009 Packers, whose recent signing of three-time NFL wifebeating champ Ahman Green puts them in serious contention for the 2009 battering title.

…because a hell of a lot less of the earth is covered by Smoot than we’ve been led to believe. And seriously, I think those five preseason games have lulled Zorn into some kind of reverie in which the fourth quarter is just for evaluating practice-squad players, not for actually trying to win.

Gus already did a great job of reacting to the game, so I’ll take a moment to reflect on Fred Smoot. Last night, I got a little misty that my young son was able to see so many characteristic Smoot moves before bedtime: the unnecessary receiver-mugging (resulting in a drive-extending PI call), the hopeless flop, the sideline pout — and these three were all on the same play!

Smoot is interesting because he personifies a particular kind of overrated player, the one who shows just enough flashes of brilliance (or even competence) to be extremely frustrating. When he’s not getting burned or penalized, he’s jawing or whining at his opponents or teammates. He does seem to be pretty good at tackling, at least within a few yards after a receiver makes an easy first down.

Sure enough, just as I was getting ready to put on my smoking jacket, get my scotch, and start scoffing at how much better I am at evaluating football talent than Dan Snyder (who overpaid to get Smoot from an empty set of suitors after Minnesota cut him loose), Smoot had a pick. “Ah ha!” I thought, “surely, this is the Fred Smoot that Vikings fans were briefly excited about in March 2005 and that Redskins fans were heartbroken to see go!” Then he went back to sucking for the rest of the night.

Game notes:

• Less time on hair gel, more time on game plan.
• Trade Santana Moss for Plaxico Burress.
• That Eli is one elusive motherfucker.
• What was Clinton talking about with all that “off-tackle” and “outside” jabber?  Oh, that was on-camera?  How did my hair look?
• Chris who?
• Upside: ball did not injure receivers as it bounced harmlessly off their hands.
• Blame it on Campbell, he looked almost as lost as I did.

The Pro Football Talk website is pretty much a case study in how not to build a scalable web service. (Whereas, here at IP.com, we have no trouble catering to the demands of our 4–6 daily readers, including “canadian pharmacy teen sex orgy,” “casino gambling,” “hrb@l v*i*a*g*r!@,” and “GoogleBot”.) In general, PFT will just die with the old “MYSQL is TITSUP, LOLLERCOASTR” message that we know and love from underpowered WordPress sites everywhere. Today, though, it was different:

ZOMG FLORIO’s WEB GUY IS USING SOME CACHE SOFTWARE THAT MAKES IRONIC REFERENCE TO TEH AMIGA!!1! <3 <3 <3

You just bought yourself a week of reprieve, Deliverance boy. But if you write about politics again, all bets are off.

The Green Bay Packers have issued a lengthy statement assuring the fans that they have “a plan” in place to proceed with Brett Favre as their quarterback. I actually have a pretty good idea what that plan is:

1. Announce in public that they’ve moved on without him.
2. Burn every possible bridge with Favre and make it clear that he is not welcome back.
3. Do everything possible — including bribes, groveling, and abduction of offspring — to prevent Favre from returning.
4. When he calls their bluff, issue a half-assed, implausible press release in a desperate attempt to increase his trade value.
5. Wind up cutting him anyway after no one bites.

Man, that Ted Thompson sure is an expert negotiator and shrewd manager! I only regret that he is merely a football executive. As Secretary of State, I bet he could turn Iran into a functioning liberal democracy with nothing more than his trusty pen.

Man, and Green Bay let this guy go?

What's the hardest part about tearing off a lamb's testicles with your teeth?  Getting the blood out of your mustache!  No, seriously: Giants offensive lineman Grey Ruegamer once helped a friend castrate about 200 young sheep, and they used what apparently is an old Basque method to do it.

That means more sheep testicles for the rest of northern WI, I guess.

Here’s some embarrassing spin from Mike Florio, when confronted with reports that Tony Dungy is not expected to retire this year, contra Florio’s league sources:

So our report from a week ago was right in content, wr-wr-wr-wr-erroneous in timing. We apologize for the error.

Hey, by that standard, he was “right in content, wrong in timing” on the infamous “Terry Bradshaw is dead” rumor — after all, the human mortality rate is still right around 100%.

You fill in the caption. My suggestion: “but not as well as Favre has gotten to know the ‘other side’ of King, if you catch our drift.”

I’ve avoided the Emmitt Smith pile-on. I more or less like him as a player and a person, and I don’t think he’s any worse than Stephen A. Smith, Keith Olbermann, or Bill Maas as a broadcaster. (I’ll always take a well-meaning goofball over a high-decibel blowhard.)

However, tonight he uttered the following Little Carmine-worthy claim:

“This is the time of year when the cream of the crop rises to the top.”

Why is this awesome? It’s awesome because I’m not even sure whether or not it’s a mixed metaphor.

Judd Zulgad is one of my favorite NFL beat writers. However, he certainly knows how to twist the knife.